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Gnome-plomacy: Letters between the Protector & Obor the Obscurator



Letter From Obor the Obscurator to Qwannyth, Grand Dame of the Underplace


Dear Qwannyth,


I might know the whereabouts of all twenty of your missing gnomes…. I heard tell that they have strayed far and been very naughty. One of my minions made a citizen’s arrest of one for Misadventurous Use of a Roudabout…but then promptly released him on his own recognizance.


I suppose you need your gnomes back in order to help the humans maintain their preferred high-speed internet connections. It has been many turns of the hour glass since you last saw the missing gnomes. Is it possible that they do not want to go back home at all?


Yours,


Obor


Letter from Qwannyth, Grand Dame of the Underplace to Obor the Obscurator


Dear Obor,


It sounds like you are implying that you know where my missing gnomes are. If so, please tell me where they are, for they have no knowledge of the ways of the Upperworlders, with their strange roundabouts, iced cream, and gel-lined walking shoes. These things befuddle their minds. Without their pick-axes, mushroom pies and Singing, Dancing & Jolly Times a gnomes’ life is like a bunny with no hop. I therefore encourage—nay, I implore you—to tell me where they are at once.


Kindly,


Qwannyth, Grand Dame of the Underplace


Letter From Obor the Obscurator to Qwannyth, Grand Dame of the Underplace


Dear Qwanny,


From what I hear (and I hear everything), a gnomes’ life is heavy on the endless toil and light on the Singing & Dancing and Jolly Times. Have you ever thought of giving them a day off once in a while? Fungus is great, but gnomes get Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight. Are you doing anything about that?


Yours,


Obor


Letter from Qwannyth, Grand Dame of the Underplace to Obor the Obscurator


Dear Obor,


I had no idea you were an expert on gnome anatomy. You are right. Mushroom krustfloofel is a favorite food, one that I doubt most gnomes know how to cook on their own, nor will they find it in the human world. They need me to do that. I’m happy to continue this conversation about Vitamin D after you tell me where the gnomes are. Also, my name is QWANNYTH and I would appreciate it if you would not speak to me with such casual familiarity.


Yours really,


Qwannyth





Letter From Obor the Obscurator to Qwannyth, Grand Dame of the Underplace


Dear Qwannyth,


I detect a note of discontent in your last letter. Did you know that eating iced cream and pizza is beneficial, as is watching television…which is a great source of Vitamin D? If you haven’t told the gnomes that, maybe someone else should? Maybe someone should also teach gnomes how to drive a car so they can navigate roundabouts and see that the Upperplace isn’t such a scary world. Who knows, maybe they’d like it better up here than in your dark, damp kingdom below the earth. Mushroom pie can be great once in a while, but ALL THE TIME? That’s rather boring, do you not think? At my Palace of The Many Wondrous Delights, gnomes never need to work a day, and they can eat anything they want, and go wind surfing if they choose, or buy a cat and name it Patches. How about that?


Yours,


Obor the Obscurator


Letter From the Gnomebassador to Obor the Obscurator


Dear Obor the Obscurator,


It is a pleasure to make your acquaintence, O’ Obscure One. Qwannyth, Grand Dame of the Gnomes has sent me as a diplomat to speak with you regarding the location of twenty missing gnomes. I have heard many tales about your opacity, Your Cloudiness. In fact, I can name no one who has actually seen you or your minions, the Drainbows, who do an excellent job of transferring energy for their own use.


It has come to my attention, O’ Unseen One, that you may know where twenty gnomes are who have gone missing. The Internet Gnomes are very special, since their tireless efforts make possible so many miraculous things, including silly cat memes. They also keep your kingdom, The Cloud, running. And without The Cloud, you would be forced to edit and delete far more blurry vacation photos since there is not enough storage space on any computer for those. Can you imagine the amount of time that would take? What a chore!


Qwannyth only wishes to talk to the gnomes, make sure they are safe and ask if there is anything they want. They are free to drive through roundabouts, eat pizza and watch TV forever if that is their desire. But remember, without their help, there will be no more internet, no more Cloud Kingdom and more vacation photos piled up than even your Drainbows can deal with. I look forward to discussing this with you further.


Yours,


The Gnomebassador


Letter From Obor the Obscurator to The Gnomebassador


Dear Gnomebassador,


You are very persuasive! I have no wish to have to delete five nearly-identical copies of the selfie I took of myself leaning on the Yellowstone National Park sign (plus, I seem to be blurry in every picture). I might know the location of the missing twenty gnomes. I might be able to say that they are safe, well-fed, but grow tired of iced cream and crave mushroom pie, particularly Qwannyth’s recipe (I can’t imagine why. I’ve had it and it wasn’t anything to write home about).


Yours,


Obor the Obscurator





Letter From the Gnomebassador to Obor the Obscurator


Dear Obor the Obscurator,


Our Grand Dame thanks you most sincerely for offering this information. It was received with glad tidings. If I, as her emmissarry, could bring the missing gnomes mushroom pie as well as roots and herbs to help them digest all the ice cream they’ve been eating…she is prepared to donate free additional storage to your Cloud Kingdom. Additionally, when your Drainbows whine and complain, we will not cover our ears and eyes, but listen to it as one listens to music. We hope you will find these Terms satisfactory.


Yours,


The Gnomebassador


Letter From Obor the Obscurator to The Gnomebassador


Dear Gnomebassador,


I can’t tell you how wonderful it would be for the Drainbows to have someone listen to their complaints. They are like an endless song which must be played over and over. Eventually, you will become used to it. I will tell you where to find the missing gnomes, but everything I say will be in the form of an obscure riddle. This is my way. Do not use any tricks or gimmicks to find them. You must seek them by your wits alone, and they will be found only if they wish to be found. I will say no more.


Yours,


Obor the Obscurator

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